Romantic relationships can be difficult to navigate. Rom-coms and romance novels often paint pretty pictures of happy couples and avoid diving into the complexities and nuances of romantic relationships. Attachment theory is one way of understanding our romantic patterns and identifying what we need, and what our partner/s need, to create and maintain fulfilling relationships.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory believes that humans have an innate need for bonding. The way we bonded with our early caregivers as children has a significant impact on how we connect with others in our intimate relationships. When a child is met with a caregiver who is attentive to their emotional and physical needs, they develop a secure attachment that manifests into their adult life (Levine & Heller, 2011). This adult recognizes what they need in a relationship and can ask for support from their partner because they were given the safety to acknowledge their internal world. Conversely, if a child is met with an unpredictable caregiver who is inattentive and emotionally distant, the child is likely to become emotionally distant themselves, have trouble communicating their needs and develop an inability to rely on others well into their adulthood. This often presents as an insecure attachment, ridden with confusion, anxiety, and fear of abandonment (Levine & Heller, 2011).
Insecure attachment styles present in various ways. Individuals with anxious attachment are hyper-fixated on their romantic relationships and highly sensitive to their partner’s mood changes. This attachment style craves closeness and often equates distance as rejection. Individuals with this attachment style may be less likely to share their needs with their partner/s for fear of abandonment, while seeking reassurance from their partner/s to feel loved (Levine & Heller, 2011). Conversely, individuals with avoidant attachment appear to distance themselves in their relationships and feel uncomfortable with intimacy. They also have an innate need for connection but aren’t familiar with what that looks or feels like, which brings confusion and maladaptive self-reliance (Levine & Heller, 2011). Finally, individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment oscillate between seeking connection while also remaining distant for fear of being hurt, both emotionally and physically (Levine & Heller, 2011). Fortunately, you can undo your attachment style and work towards secure attachment.
Tips for developing a secure attachment style
The next time conflict arises within your intimate relationships, take a moment to reflect and consider the attachment dynamic that might be at play. Once we’re able to name what’s happening within our relationships, we can attempt to apply these tips for building a secure attachment style (Kim, 2023).
- Practice self-awareness
One way to begin a self-reflective practice is by asking yourself questions. Think about what feels triggering in your relationship and ask yourself what you need to feel emotionally safe. Do you need time alone? Why might that be? You might also find it useful to challenge your own perspective by keeping a journal and observing your thoughts. - Practice from others who have a secure attachment style
Ask yourself if there is a secure relationship or individual in your life that you can look up to. Attempt to model their behaviours and become curious as to how they connect and relate with others. - Self-soothe via emotional regulation
When co-regulation with your partner/s is not possible, find ways to self-soothe that can help you reset. Emotional regulation comes in all forms. Inward practices like yoga, meditation, breathwork and mindfulness are all great ways to process emotional experiences and promote a sense of calm that comes with a secure attachment (Kim, 2023). - Seek a mental health professional
Sometimes the perspective from a professional who is attachment-based can help identify your blind spots and gently support you towards a more secure attachment style by identifying your values, establishing boundaries, and nurturing communication skills.
Your monthly reflection:
- What was my relationship like with my parents and/or early caregivers?
- How do I show up in my romantic relationships?
- Interested in learning more about your attachment style? Take this attachment style quiz: https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/
References:
Kim, J. (2023). Nurturing Secure Attachment: Building Healthy Relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-angry-therapist/202307/nurturing-secure-attachment-building-healthy-relationships
Levine, A., & Heller, R, S.F. (2011). Attached. Penguin Random House.
