One of the many indicators of relationship dissatisfaction among couples is a lack of effective communication (Lavner et al., 2016). This often leads to unresolved and prolonged conflict, distress, negativity, and an overall decline in relationship satisfaction overtime (Lavner et al., 2016). While we may know that open, honest, and consistent communication is the antidote to ineffective communication, it’s often easier said than done.
Why is communication difficult?
There are many reasons why communication might not come as naturally as one would hope. Perhaps you grew up in an environment where the silent treatment was used regularly when conflict arose. This may have led you to learn that reaching out to your partner, discussing problems, or advocating your needs was a big no-no. This form of communication often forces unresolved issues to show up in different ways throughout the relationship, creating the perfect breeding ground for resentment.
We may also be less likely to communicate when distracted. One of the biggest distractions impacting relationships today is our phone usage. The tendency to be constantly connected virtually may leave you or your partner feeling disconnected and can impact how you interact with one another (Przybylski & Weinstein, 2013). Other factors that contribute to communication challenges include a lack of empathy for the other person or being unsure of how you and your partner/s interpret the giving and receiving of love.
3 ways to improve communication with your partner/s
Just like strengthening a muscle group in the gym, improving communication with your partner/s takes practice, patience, and consistency. Here are 3 ways to improve the quality of interactions in your relationship/s:
- “I” Statements
“I” statements are often prescribed for working through feelings and/or problems in a way that doesn’t end in blaming. Blaming may cause a defensive response that creates anger and hostility. “I” statements help us to explain how we feel while softly illustrating how you’ve been affected by the other person’s behaviour (Pipas & Jaradat, 2010).This could look something like:“I feel hurt when we’re spending quality time together and you’re on your phone. I’m afraid you don’t find me interesting”. Versus: “You’re always on your phone. I guess you have better things to do than spend time with me.” - Active listening
Listening, like really listening, requires a lot. It demands attentive body language, focus, eye contact and reflecting what your partner/s said to communicate that you’re engaged and have understood what they’ve said (Tartakovsky & Casabianca, 2022). This skill increases empathy for the other person and provides an opportunity for validation—a key to establishing and maintaining trust. Active listening also requires genuine curiosity and checking in on your partner to foster a space where expressing oneself is encouraged and listening is nurtured.A reflection, accompanied with attentive body language, focus and genuine curiosity could look something like this:“I can understand how being on my phone when we’re trying to spend time together could make you feel like I don’t want to talk to you. What do you need to feel supported right now?” - Get to know your partner/s love languages
Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor, coined the term love languages to identify how love is communicated and received by others. Some people prefer to spend quality time with the partner/s over receiving words of affirmation, while others prefer physical touch over acts of service. Some people may not feel comfortable with words of affection, but rather communicate and interpret love as a gift, like a professional massage treatment or a trip to the spa.Ask yourself: How do I know when I feel loved and appreciated? Have I communicated what love means to me with my partner/s? Does my partner interpret love and appreciation in the same way? How can we work on this together?
Your monthly reflection:
- What did communication look like in your household growing up?
- What can you do to strengthen communication with your partner/s?
- Do you know you and your partner’s love language? Try this quiz to find out: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
References:
Lavner, J, A., Karney, B, R., & Bradbury, T, N. (2016). Does Couples’ Communication Predict Marital Satisfaction, or Does Marital Satisfaction Predict Communication? Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(3), 680-694. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4852543/
Pipas, M. D., & Jaradat, M. (2010). Assertive communication skills. Annales Universitatis Apulensis: Series Oeconomica, 12(2), 649.
Przybylski, A, K., & Weinstein, N. (2013). Can you connect with me? How the presence of mobile communication technology influences face-to-face conversation quality. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237-246. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512453827
Tartakovsky, M., & Casabianca, S, S. (2022). How to Be a Better Listener in Your Relationship. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/listen-better-in-relationships
